Blog 2018-06-03T10:56:57+00:00

Diary of a Late Bloomer

November 6, 2018

The Audible version of my latest book just came out, and everyone seems to be asking me the same question: “Why didn’t YOU read it?” Those of you who’ve heard me speak aloud can’t be blamed for posing such a question, since you’d likely agree that my rich, velvety voice would caress the ears of listeners far and wide. (As my college voice teacher once said, in what I’m sure was a compliment: “I know [...]

October 8, 2018

I went to see A Star is Born this weekend, and – spoiler alert – Bradley Cooper dies. As someone frequently mistaken for Bradley (‘s taller, dorkier, way less hot brother), it got me to thinking: Would anyone sing a song for me, with a 50-piece orchestra, when I’m dead? I fear that any tributes will be more along the lines of recounting when I threw up on a girl’s va-j-j in high school [...]

August 24, 2018

I’m not a racist. Really. Last spring, my husband and I were at a snotty charity event in Palm Springs. It’s one we probably had no business being at given the ticket price; we were, essentially, two Cinderella’s at the ball, minus the glass slippers and ugly stepsisters. But  I do marketing work for a travel company that donated a cruise to the silent auction, and the owners of the company took us as their [...]

August 15, 2018

A CAUTIONARY TALE I was visiting my sister in St. Louis when her housekeeper arrived. I’d never met this girl, a friendly, 40ish white woman. (I only mention that the maid is white for the novelty of it all. I live in California.) She plunked her tackle box of cleaning supplies down on the kitchen counter and sighed. “It’s my last day,” she said. “We’re moving to Tampa.” “Oh, nice!” I said by way of [...]

July 30,2018

I think I might be too busy. Oh, don’t get all judgy on me, I’m not trying to impress you. It’s not like I’m living some glamorous Kardashian-inspired (a phrase I never thought I would utter) life where the excitement is nonstop. It’s not like I need a break from invitations to yachts on the French Riviera and ryads in Marrakech. (But if any of you have a plus one, I’m available.) I think I’m [...]

July 22, 2018

One of the best things about writing memoirs is getting letters from people who say, “My God, your mother Pledged the paneling every week? So did mine!” Or, “Hey, I threw up on a girl’s vagina, too.” The kinship of shared experiences is a pretty powerful thing. And when readers see themselves in my books, I feel like I’ve accomplished something more than just the narcissism of writing about myself (as lustrously fulfilling as that [...]

July 7, 2018

My sister’s son is a disease overachiever: he has severe autism and cerebral palsy and a bonus pack of other maladies that affect various cognitive and motor abilities. Brian cannot eat, go to the bathroom, or take a bath by himself. It’s like he won the Special Kid Powerball. He came to be because at the ripe old age of 21, my sister Valerie married her high school sweetheart. Naturally, they divorced 10 years later [...]

June 30, 2018

When my first book came out, People Magazine said of my mother, “Annihilating and loving by turns, she makes Sophie Portnoy look like June Cleaver.” I think I’m safe to say that this is not the kind of review most mothers stick on the refrigerator. By all rights, she should have turned to me at that moment and, with regards to our relationship, said: “And…SCENE.” I wouldn’t have blamed her. Having your warts exposed for [...]

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