I work at a big TV network, which, as you can imagine, is a nonstop orgy of glitz.

Yesterday, for example, I was walking past a friend’s office when she called me in. She and two other women were whispering urgently. Maybe they’re trying to decide who to invite to the Emmys this year, I thought. After all, isn’t that why we work in such a sophisticated, glamorous business?

“How may I provide excellent service?” I asked.

“As the token  ‘mo,” my friend said to me, referring to the fact that I am, weirdly, the only gay guy in the department, “it is incumbent upon you to do something about the straight guys around here. They dress like they’re attending a monster truck rally.”

I sighed. It was true. The men in this department tended to dress as if they were fleeing a burning hotel at 3 a.m.

“What do you want me to do about it?” I replied. “I try to serve as a model of good taste. I can’t exactly ram it down their throats.” (I expected one of them to thank me for teeing up that line, but nothing.)

“You need to hold a seminar.”

Here, then, is my four point tutorial on DRESSING FOR SUCCESSING.

1)  Dockers should only be the province of men for whom said waterfront pier provides employment.

2)  Shower sandals are considered footwear only by those attired in bath sheets.

3)  When a shirt is marked down 80%, all those people who didn’t buy it are trying to tell you something.

4)  If you believe that your work apparel should express itself with clever phrases and puns, remember that you’re barely interesting enough yourself; pretty much no one wants to hear from your clothes.