Blog

I spent most of today bitching about President Obama. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I mostly love the dude. He’s done a reasonably heroic job fishing America’s lifeless body out of an economic dumpster. And this whole gay marriage stance is pretty nervy in an election cycle. The guy’s got nads. But every time he visits our fair city, my 90-minute roundtrip commute becomes four hours, as the police  -and whatever secret service agents are [...]

I know you’ll be as excited as I was to learn that Living Social is offering substantially discounted subscriptions to the magazine, Garden and Gun. Imagine the thrill of getting all your mulching and armor-piercing bullet information in one glossy monthly, and saving 50% to boot. Consider the advantages of learning how to grow sunny yellow daisies that you can then insert into your 12-gauge and blow right through the torso of an unsuspecting deer. [...]

I don’t know how I’ve surrounded myself with people who are so annoying. A very close friend of mine and I recently took a weekend trip. Lars (not his real name) and I have traveled together dozens of times over the years and always had a blast. He’s so funny he makes me pee, and I am as comfortable with him as any human being on the planet. But on this particular weekend, I knew [...]

My partner and I just returned from Australia, where we celebrated our tenth anniversary. Fortunately, since he travels for work, and since I’m a miles whore who will open any kind of account (credit card, checking, sperm bank) for free frequent flyer miles, this gave us enough mileage to fly business class. Many of us have probably had some occasion to ride in the front of the bus on a domestic flight, which mostly consists of [...]

Are you one of those irritating people who knew, from a very young age, what you wanted to do with your life? If you are, and you achieved that career goal, well, bully for you, congratulations and get off my website. But if you didn’t know who you wanted to be, or you knew and never quite got there, I think you and I may have a profound kinship that should be celebrated over appletinis [...]

Me:  “Oh my God, look – 60% off a coffee enema!” Virtually Everyone Within Earshot:  “You really need to see someone about this.” I am, as almost anyone will attest (if properly threatened) a man of extraordinary taste. Regrettably, I am a man of ordinary means.  And short of a career in shoplifting - which, although chock full of excitement, danger, and hard-to-remove security tags, also comes brimming with untimely incarceration and the bothersome issue [...]

Lately, it has come to my attention that I have, over the course of my fairly long and completely stupid life, constantly envisioned myself to be grander, wiser, more successful, and less of a boob than I actually am. And I’m starting to think I should be concerned about it. Those of you who’ve read my first book know that the image problems started around age eight – the year when I first began pretending [...]

As a general rule, I do not endorse the act of falling off things as a method of personal growth. But I have to admit - sometimes, it does kinda work. You see, I’ve always taken my body a bit for granted. I’m a busy guy, forever running to and fro as if in some alternate universe I’m actually important. And it is my nature to just assume that my body is along for the [...]