The Entertainment Center: 8 feet of glamour, one can of Behold   This marvelous blend of modern technology and bold furniture styling holds your color television, turntable, AM/FM stereo receiver and your speakers in one glorious, thousand-pound cabinet. Polish it to a high gloss daily with a simple dust rag and aerosol can of spray polish.   RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip:   Dab a bit of that lemon scent behind your ears for a glamorous pick-me-up.   The [...]


Tchotchkes Anything that collects dust – like Hummel figurines, for example, or old people – should be donated. (One man’s trash, as they say.) A living room coffee table should feature nothing more than a single object d’art. And sculptures created by your 8-year-old are neither objects nor d’art.   Exception: Awards should be prominently displayed. Nothing engenders envy and bitterness like a coffee table full of trophies.  


Slipcovers Virtually anything can be slipcovered: beds, dining room tables, toilets. But living room furniture should announce your extraordinary taste to the world. So it, of all furnishings, should be protected from the behinds of children who have yet to master the potty chair.   RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip:  Increase your homeowner’s insurance limits. Guests who slide off the couch and crack a rib can be surprisingly litigious.  


RAKE THAT SHAG! Guideline: All living room surfaces should be as virgin and untouched as a fruitcake. Guests want to feel pampered. And nothing says, “You’re special!” like a room unspoiled by human contact. If you’re fortunate enough to have a separate, formal living room, it should be off limits to everyone with whom you share a last name. RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip:  Invest in a tasteful velvet rope. This elegantly advises family members that [...]

THE KITCHEN (Cont’d)  Cabinets & Drawers

Dust Daily – To ensure that all dishes and flatware are free of airborne microbes, simply take an industrial wet/dry vacuum, set it on high, and blow that dust to kingdom come.   This can also be done with husbands.   Polish cabinet facades weekly – Inhale that glorious faux-lemon scent as you Pledge those wood panels into a slick, high-gloss shine. Avoid any cabinets directly above the stove, since oil from the Pledge will [...]

THE KITCHEN (Cont’d)  The Dishwasher

  In theory, any device that spends 90 minutes in a frenzy of cleaning should be a welcome addition to your kitchen. But until these things can scrub the Teflon off a fry pan, they should be treated as nothing more than a sanitizing agent.   Scrub all dishes before placing them inside, then turn your water heater up to the “Flames of Hell” setting.   RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip:    Depending on whether they’ve [...]

THE KITCHEN (Cont’d)  The Oven  

Modern ovens are a marvel. Equipped with a large glass window and a light bulb (which must be left on at all times), passing visitors have the opportunity to be shamed by your oven’s spotless interior vis a vis their own.   But, sadly, this appliance also has a dark side, for that same light can taunt you like a shiny schoolyard bully, harshly exposing even the tiniest bits of crusty, blackened food that were [...]

THE KITCHEN (continued)

The Refrigerator   Shelves should be empty, well-lit and Windexed daily. If guests aren’t immediately blinded by the reflection, Windex again.   This provides a stunning testament to your willpower and self-control, and will immediately inspire guilt and shame in those less driven.   Is spraying noxious chemicals inside a box where food is kept a concern?   If you go down that road, you’ll never 409 the inside of your microwave – and then [...]

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