It seems difficult for many Americans not to stereotype Muslims as violent extremists looking to light their panty shields on fire. Or to label Mexicans living in Arizona as illegal immigrants who enjoy a whimsical desert decapitation.
Therefore, in honor of the mid-term elections, I have decided that, in the interest of fairness and inclusiveness, we should begin stereotyping all groups.
I am excited about the appointment of so many Republicans to the House of Representatives, so that we can continue our longstanding tradition of corporate welfare for the rich. Headed by a man whose affinity for the spray tan community indicates an extraordinary lack of self-worth, these newly installed officials should take their election as a mandate to snatch America back from the jaws of the atheist, pot-smoking Democrats who want to take all your money away and turn America into China, Jr.
I hope that 2011 will see an end to dirty wetbacks taking the $40 a day lettuce picking jobs away from Real Americans, and an end to homosexual couples attempting to pretend they’re Real Families by adopting unwanted children.
I hope that we will see Asians taking Driver’s Ed and women learning to lock themselves in a padded cell when pre-menstrual.
I hope that we’ll find older white men remembering that they are the Chosen Ones and acting accordingly.
But most of all, I hope that we can all come together as one – one big, racist, misogynistic, fear-filled group of reactivists who can’t see the forest for the trees. A group that has no conception of the notion that, while there’s a little truth in every stereotype, our differences are what make us unique and what make life interesting. And that maybe God has a reason for them.
That’s the America I know and love.
Oh, hell, the Hassidic neighbor is ringing the doorbell for the third time today. I’m gonna tell him I’m busy frying a pig.
Perhaps I should reread this post.