The Entertainment Center: 8 feet of glamour, one can of Behold

This marvelous blend of modern technology and bold furniture styling holds your color television, turntable, AM/FM stereo receiver and your speakers in one glorious, thousand-pound cabinet. Polish it to a high gloss daily with a simple dust rag and aerosol can of spray polish.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

 Dab a bit of that lemon scent behind your ears for a glamorous pick-me-up.

The entertainment center houses your home’s finest television set, but it is, of course, for show only. Purchase a 19-inch black-and-white that your children can gather around in the family room. For special occasions, like a moon landing or a Donny & Marie Christmas spectacular, turn on the color TV in the entertainment center, and let them listen from the foyer. It’s like an old-time radio hour!

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

 Invest in a simple, economical padlock to save the expensive equipment inside from undue wear and tear.

Tchotchkes

Anything that collects dust – like Hummel figurines, for example, or old people – should

be donated. (One man’s trash, as they say.) A living room coffee table should feature

nothing more than a single object d’art. And sculptures created by your 8-year-old are

neither objects nor d’art.

Exception: Awards should be prominently displayed. Nothing engenders envy and bitterness like a coffee table full of trophies.

Slipcovers

Virtually anything can be slipcovered: beds, dining room tables, toilets. But living room

furniture should announce your extraordinary taste to the world. So it, of all furnishings,

should be protected from the behinds of children who have yet to master the potty chair.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

Increase your homeowner’s insurance limits. Guests who slide off the couch and crack a rib can be surprisingly litigious.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Guideline:

All living room surfaces should be as virgin and untouched as a fruitcake.

Guests want to feel pampered. And nothing says, “You’re special!” like a room unspoiled by human contact. If you’re fortunate enough to have a separate, formal living room, it should be off limits to everyone with whom you share a last name.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

Invest in a tasteful velvet rope. This elegantly advises family members that unless they’re clutching an Academy Award or turning water into wine, they have no business here.

Dust Daily – To ensure that all dishes and flatware are free of airborne microbes, simply take an industrial wet/dry vacuum, set it on high, and blow that dust to kingdom come.

This can also be done with husbands.

Polish cabinet facades weekly – Inhale that glorious faux-lemon scent as you Pledge those wood panels into a slick, high-gloss shine. Avoid any cabinets directly above the stove, since oil from the Pledge will cause grease to adhere to them like dollar bills to a stripper.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip:

Train your offspring as barbacks. Just tuck a kitchen towel into the waistband of their Wranglers or fairy princess dress.