How do you tell someone that drinking pee might not be the best diet plan?
A friend of mine takes what he refers to as “lady pee” to lose weight. He’s not actually drinking jars of urine stolen from a gynecologist’s office, but rather a secret and highly proprietary combination of female hormones that he just calls “lady pee”.
You’ll note that I said “he”. Yes, it’s a guy taking these hormones.
Now, a man taking female hormones to drop a few pounds is, as you might suspect, not a weight loss plan endorsed by all physicians. Or even some. I’m not sure where he gets this stuff, but I think it involves a Philippino website that sells fresh kidneys and blood pressure pills that cause you to wake up three days later in a Tijuana whorehouse.
But I have to say, it works. He’ll drop 17 pounds in 10 days. I’m not kidding.
The problem, of course, is that he has to stay on it or the weight comes right back. And staying on a diet of female hormones presents its own unique set of problems.
He recently began developing an impressive set of bazongas, for example. And frankly, this wasn’t helped by his tendency to favor snug-fitting polo shirts. I was unsure whether to refer him to the Spanx catalogue, or simply yell “Nice rack!” when he bounced by.
And then there’s the issue of his newly developed need to talk everything out. He used to be closed off and completely out of touch with his feelings. You know, a typical man. But suddenly, we’re on the phone for hours as he dissects what someone at work meant when they yelled, “Nice rack!”
And I could be wrong, but I think I saw a string hanging out the zipper of his jeans the other day, and a blue box labeled “Stayfree” on the floor of his car.
On the plus side, he’s way better groomed than he used to be. I mean, his hair has never looked better, and he smells like a meadow.
He also no longer asks me to “pull his finger”. And he’s way less argumentative than he used to be.
Basically, thanks to some estrogen and progesterone, he’s just a better version of himself now.
I wonder where I can get my hands on some lady pee.