I want a TV series.

Don’t judge. This isn’t champagne wishes and caviar dreams bullshit. I’m not busy imagining what it would be like to invite friends to my palatial home in the Malibu colony, where my 50 feet of private beach frontage makes them wish I was dead.

I’m not spending my days envisioning waving at the cameras as I’m seated next to Spielberg and Oprah at the Oscars. (Even though I’d make sure Oprah was sitting on my good side because she probably knows all the gossip.)

Trust me, I realize that wanting a TV series sounds superficial and pathetically sad – like I’m the kind of person whose existence as a human being isn’t validated until someone, hopefully hot, is playing me on TV.

But I don’t want a TV series for reasons of fame or money or glamour. (Although if Ryan Gosling wants to fight Channing Tatum to play me, I’m not saying I won’t pull up a chair.)

I want a TV series because when your book is developed into a TV show – and especially if it’s a hit – people flock to read what’s known as the “source material”. Your reading audience can go from twenty thousand to a million overnight.

I wrote in an earlier post about how my first memoir was developed as a sitcom for ABC. But since the show wasn’t “picked up” (put on the air), it didn’t do my book writing career the slightest bit of good. I was left to founder in the cesspool of very nice reviews and very lackluster sales.

This time around, I’ve decided, things are gonna be different. This new memoir is gonna be a television hit. And that series will bring millions of readers to my books, where they’ll find entertainment, joy and inspiration.

Sure, all those new readers may have the side effect of propelling my books to the top of the bestseller lists. The sudden spotlight might cause talk shows to clamor to nab me as a guest. The visibility may result in companies paying me six figures to give motivational speeches. I may be FORCED to buy a home in the Malibu colony as a tax shelter, and insist that I be seated next to Oprah and Spielberg at the Oscars because the security is tightest there.

But if that’s the price I have to pay to share my story with others, I’m willing to pay it. Really, when you think about it, I’m kind of like Jesus.

But without the dirty robes and bad sandals.