The Refrigerator


Shelves should be empty, well-lit and Windexed daily. If guests aren’t immediately blinded

by the reflection, Windex again.


This provides a stunning testament to your willpower and self-control, and will immediately

inspire guilt and shame in those less driven.


Is spraying noxious chemicals inside a box where food is kept a concern?


If you go down that road, you’ll never 409 the inside of your microwave – and then where will you be?


Whatever foodstuffs you do deem necessary (vitamins, coffee, Dexedrine diet pills) should be arranged alphabetically, with all labels aligned and facing uniformly out. This way, you can snatch the desired item without lingering and having to interact with overly chatty family members.


Leftovers – If it wasn’t good enough to finish in the first place, it’s not good enough to

mar your pristine shelves.


An empty bottle in the refrigerator? Why not just break it in half and stab me with it?


There may be rare occasions (natural disasters, when Social Services comes to visit)

when food may need to be briefly stored here. But care should be taken to ensure that all

items meet safety standards.




Like an aging relative, if it’s approaching its expiration date, throw it out.