Blog

Hello again, dear failing homemakers. I’m ready to begin changing your lives! Your many calls, emails and twats have shown me just how desperate the great unwashed is for my valuable homecare advice. So, let’s get to it! The first area that I’d like to address is one so many struggle mightily with: THE KITCHEN  The Sink Water in the kitchen sink after dinner is a hazard to your children’s health (when you discover it). [...]

Well, now that I’ve taken your breath away with the very thought of having the perfect home, let’s get to work and RAKE THAT SHAG! Rake That Shag, you ask? Why is Elaine using the metaphor of shag carpeting maintenance? Well, truth be told, I first began compiling these tips in the 1970’s…but I find them just as useful today! I live my life like it’s still the 70’s – and you can, too. After [...]

Hello, dear slovenly readers! My name is Elaine, and I’m Eric’s beloved mother, the woman who – with only the help of a shag carpeting rake and an iron will - shaped Eric into the semi-successful, not-currently-incarcerated adult he is today. Because I’m always offering Eric unsolicited and terribly helpful tips on keeping his home looking like the display model it was meant to be, he suggested that I get off his back and offer [...]

My nephew passed away in October. I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, I don’t read this blog to cry. My mascara isn’t waterproof.” (The women probably feel that way, too.) But don’t worry - this isn’t a sad post. Brian was a special kid. Severely handicapped, he couldn’t walk by himself, feed or bathe himself. He required care 24/7. But he was, as all these kids are, an absolute bundle of love, and he gave [...]

There was a woman on my flight this morning who was doing her level best to cough up both her lungs. Nonstop. It was Thanksgiving morning. I, along with everyone else on the plane, was flying home to see family. And holidays are, for those of us traveling from a blue state to a red - or  vice versa - fraught with its own special brand of terror. And none of us really wanted to [...]

The Audible version of my latest book just came out, and everyone seems to be asking me the same question: “Why didn’t YOU read it?” Those of you who’ve heard me speak aloud can’t be blamed for posing such a question, since you’d likely agree that my rich, velvety voice would caress the ears of listeners far and wide. (As my college voice teacher once said, in what I’m sure was a compliment: “I know [...]

I went to see A Star is Born this weekend, and – spoiler alert – Bradley Cooper dies. As someone frequently mistaken for Bradley (‘s taller, dorkier, way less hot brother), it got me to thinking: Would anyone sing a song for me, with a 50-piece orchestra, when I’m dead? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPgs3qq9CGs I fear that any tributes will be more along the lines of recounting when I threw up on a girl’s va-j-j in high school [...]

I’m not a racist. Really. Last spring, my husband and I were at a snotty charity event in Palm Springs. It’s one we probably had no business being at given the ticket price; we were, essentially, two Cinderella’s at the ball, minus the glass slippers and ugly stepsisters. But  I do marketing work for a travel company that donated a cruise to the silent auction, and the owners of the company took us as their [...]